A Red Head Gives Me Wings

A few years ago the very lovely Katja Van De Graaf put wings on my back, this is that…

Kosmic Klown Television

Don't forget to Visit Kosmic Klown TV on Vimeo, for music, comedy, mini documenteries, and more...

ROOM 4 RENT

Even angels need somewhere to hang their halos don’t they?

https://vimeo.com/25847190

JOE’S POP-UP BED SIT

All you needed to know, and more, about bedsit economy..

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The What You Said Game

This is a little game to amuse yourself at social gatherings. The rules are very simple, it goes like this, find someone to talk to. Go through the usual introductions the hellos and the name telling bit. Once that’s out of the way, you then start to repeat back whatever your chosen victim says to you, it’s important to vary it a little, perhaps add a word at the beginning, or the end of your repeat, fluctuate your tone to make it sound questioning, like Australians do with everything they say? Then just see how long it takes for them to notice. With really self involved people, you can do it for ages without them noticing. I did it to this chap at a party once, and he didn’t notice at all, I got bored, after an hour or so and just wandered off.

Please return to your soup…

Brighton Pride 2007 Part 1 the Parade

Mail Order Bride.

James Derwent had always thought of himself as a regular sort of chap, he’d spent all his working life as a plumber, living in Reading, where he’d been born, and had lived ever since, for nearly forty years now. He wasn’t rich but, as plumbers mostly do, he made a good living. He had his mates, he liked a pint and he supported his local football club. It was a simple life but, as I’ve already stated, he was a straight forward fellow, so, it was a life he liked.

Except, he was lonely. The one thing he’d not managed to date, was a successful relationship with a woman. He’d tried, god knows he’d tried. He’d even been married for a while. It hadn’t worked out like he’d hoped. Women were rarely, if at all, how he thought they should be.

Julie, his ex-wife, had seemed, initially, to be OK. She’d acted as a woman should, she’d done the cleaning and cooking, as well as doing the other things you’d expect from a wife. It hadn’t taken long though, before things started to go wrong.

She’d do things like vacuuming while he was watching the footy, in fact that had been the cause of the incident. he’d been very reasonable really, three times he’d asked her to stop, she’d just carried on, saying.

“I’ll be done in a minute”.

If only she’s just done as he’d told her, if she had, he was sure his slight irritation wouldn’t have escalated into anger. but she’d just carried on blissfully unaware of how annoying she was being, so he’d hit her. he got up out of his chair, and slapped her clean across the face. and told her to turn off the Hoover, sit down and wait for the match to finish.

Well, it had all gone down hill from there really, one month later she was gone, he’d got home from work to find all her stuff, clothes, shoes and her little nic nacs (every cloud has a sliver lining) were missing and he never saw her again, he’d heard from someone down the pub a few years later that she’d been seen living with a bloke somewhere in Norfolk, shortly after that the divorce papers turned up. He didn’t even bother to read them, he just signed them and put them back in the post.

The truth of the matter was, you see, that James was a bit of anachronism, to him sexism and women’s lib where dirty words.

He’d been brought up, in a very male dominated environment, his dad was the head of the household and everybody, his mother included, did as they were told or they got the back of his hand. A woman should know her place, and if she didn’t then it was his job to show her. I mean, he would think regularly, what kind of a world is it where a man couldn’t give his woman a little slap every now and then? You know, just to keep her in line. To show her who’s boss.

There’d been a few other woman since then, but it was always the same. They either didn’t want to cleanup after him, or they couldn’t cook. One girl who stayed over after the second or third date, he couldn’t remember which, even refused to iron a shirt for him, what kind of a start to a relationship was that, saying no to the first thing he’d asked her to do. As it was she’d had to do it in tears.

She never came back and on top of that she’d gone to the police! Who’d turned up on his doorstep the very next day, two police officers, one a man the other a woman, which, obviously shocked James a little, but he kept it to himself and invited them both in. Escorting the officers into the lounge, he went to the kitchen and made them all a cup of tea.

He spent thirty minutes or so explaining that he’d hit her by accident stretching his arms out quickly whilst yawning and he denied asking her to Iron a shirt. He didn’t think they’d believed him but as he hadn’t actually bruised or marked her, it was her word against his. So, he’d had to accept a stern talking to about bullying, been given an unofficial warning and that was the end of it.

Mind you, that whole ordeal had put him right off the entire idea of relationships and women, consequently he hired a cleaning lady and told himself he just didn’t need a woman, after all he could afford to see a prostitute from time to time if the desire arose. He put all ideas of companionship to the back of his mind and threw himself into his work. It wasn’t as if he was lonely, he had loads of mates, well, he knew everyone down the pub at least and there was Derek, his drinking buddy, he’s be fine on his own who needed women anyway?

“I need a woman Derek!”

Said James after drunkenly ordering another round of drinks.

“It’s just all this women lib stuff, it does my head in, I want a woman like they used to be”.

He went on.

“One who knows her place, someone who’ll do my cleaning or iron my shirts, without giving me any lip”.

He took a long slug  on his fifth pint.

“You won’t find a woman like that”,

Replied Derek.

“At least not in this country”.

He continued.

James had a large gulp of ale and slowly a thought started to form in his alcohol soaked mind.

“Yeah, that’s right, you’ve got it!”

Slightly surprised, but quite pleased that he may of gotten something right, Derek perked up a little.

“Really, how’s that then?!”

He said.

“I need a foreign woman, one from a place where they breed them nice and compliant, like..?”

He struggled to think in his addled condition, finally coming up with.

“Thailand!”

Making Derek jump a little, spilling, much to his consternation, a drop or two of beer.

“Yeah, Thailand, those oriental birds are gorgeous, and they respect their husbands”.

This all seemed to stir a memory in Derek’s similarly addled brain.

“Do you remember Greg?”

Said Derek.

James Thought for a moment, a moment admittedly longer than a sober man would of needed.

“Greg who?”

He eventually enquired.

“You know, Greg, Greg Simpson?”

Offered Derek

“Oh, Greg, Greg Simpson”.

Agreed James, still not really sure who this Greg character was, but keen for Derek to move on with what he had to say about this as yet unidentified person.

“What about him?”

He asked.

“He got himself one of those mail order brides, and as it happens, she came from Thailand.

Derek continued.

“I saw them in town a week or so back, he seemed really happy, they’ve got a kid and everything”.

At the suggestion of children James Bulked a little.

“Oh no, I don’t want any kids, I don’t like kids, they just annoy me”.

He said.

“Well, you don’t have to, find one that doesn’t want kids, you’re paying after all”.

Derek replied.

James took a long swallow of his pint, finishing the last quarter in one gulp, finally bringing his glass down on to the bar with a drunken thump.

“It’s your round Derek, and I need a piss”.

This said he made his way staggering, only slightly, through the busy bar, over to the gents. Returning a few minutes later, hands unwashed, to find a fresh pint, dutifully ordered by Derek awaiting him in front of his stool at the bar.

After a few silent moments of solid drinking, James picked up the thread of their conversation and asked.

“So, where do you find these mail order brides?”

Derek thought for a moment or two, trying to remember a conversion, his brothering law  had told Derek he had, with Greg’s sister about it, Derek having never really discussed it with Greg himself.

“It was a web site he went on, yeah, that’s right, he found her on some web site, did all the arranging, you know visas and stuff, he had to fly out there a couple of times I think, spend some time with her, meet her family and that, and now they live over in Calcot”

Said Derek.

James’s foot slipped from the bar between his stools legs, where it had been resting, he only stopped himself from completely falling of his stool and collapsing on the floor by gripping onto the bar and righting himself, not before spilling a substantial amount of his beer.

“Don’t want to have to go to Thailand, do you have to go to Thailand?”

He suddenly came out with.

“I think you do, yeah, I think that’s part of the deal, so her family can meet you, I think?”

Said Derek uncertainly.

“Oh”

Said James and carried on with his pint.

The next day was Sunday, which started with the usual hangover. James had nothing on that day so he rolled out of bed late morning and spent the rest of it nursing a sore head in front of the telly, with lots of water and Alka-Seltzer. After watching nothing in particular on the box for a while, his mind started to wander back to his conversation with Derek about mail order brides, the night before. It was all a bit hazy, he barely remembered leaving the pub, and getting home, god they’d been smashed but he remembered this other chap, Derek had spoken of, who’s name he’d already forgotten, had found his wife on the internet.

Not that he was taking it all seriously, he wasn’t flying half way around the world to find a woman, if they couldn’t come to him they could forget it! Still, here he was hung-over, alone, sat in his underpants and dressing gown, on the verge of another lonely wank, and after all he was quite curious, and those Thai girls are gorgeous, what harm could it do just to take a look at the internet.

Turning on his computer, he went in the kitchen to make some coffee while it booted up, returning with a mug of hot steaming Colombian blend, and some toast, he took his place at the computer and opened internet explorer. It didn’t take  long for him to google up a plethora of sites advertising the availability of woman from places as far reaching as Russia to East Asia. Actually James had always been fascinated by Oriental looking women. They struck him as exotic and glamourous, not to mention their reputation for being loyal and compliant wives. That was all he wanted, it wasn’t that much to ask was it?

He examined a number of the sites google presented him with, and although there were some beautiful women looking for husbands over here, it seemed a visit to their homeland was always involved. He hadn’t even been to France, he didn’t  have a passport, he’d never bothered to get one, why should he? He wasn’t going anywhere so he was hardly going to go jetting off around the world for a bird, however pretty she was.

That was it then, might as well get dressed and go down the pub for some lunch. He was about to turn off the computer, when a pop-up appeared on his desktop that had written;

“Thai Brides over here dot com. East Asia girls already living in England looking for husbands”.

On it, With a link to a web-site. thaibridesoverhere.com.

James was immediately intrigued, and hit the link, it was, from what he could make out, essentially an introduction agency for East Asia women, living in England and English men who wanted to meet up with a view to marriage. They had an office in London he’d have to visit, but he wouldn’t have to leave the country. He Immediately signed himself up. He filled out an extensive questionnaire then, after a little browse through the women on the site, he found one or two girls he liked the look of and added them to his favourites, before getting dressed and going to get his lunch, all the while, with a little rye smile on his face.

It was a few days later, when the e-mail arrived. It was from, the appropriately named, Ernest Matchman who had been assigned as James’ personal introduction co-ordinator. It further explained how Thaibridesoverhere.com was not in anyway to be considered a dating site, it was, in fact a serious introduction agency for Thai women already settled and living in this country looking to meet English men with a view to a committed relationship and marriage. It went on to say that all introductions would be arranged through Ernest and an initial meeting would take place at their London offices. He asked James to e-mail a reply so they could arrange a date for Ernest to come to visit him in reading for a preliminary meeting, just so he could get to know James a little better and to discuss exactly what James was looking for in a woman. James sent a brief but polite reply, detailing the sort of times it would be convenient for Ernest to pay a visit and over the next couple of days, following the resultant e-mail exchange, a meeting for the next weekend was organized.

James opened the door to find a very smartly dressed man who, although, obviously in his late fifties, would still be considered handsome, with big smile on his face. He stretched out his arm, offering his hand and asked.

“James Derwent?”

Offering his hand in return, James said.

“Yes, that’s me, you must be Ernest, please come in”.

they shook hands, firmly and vigorously, before James Showed Ernest into the living room. Ernest took a place on the couch in front of the glass topped coffee table and James settled in his usual easy chair, across from him. Placing it on the coffee table, Ernest opened his brief case and took out a couple of folders, presumably containing files, a note book and a pen, these he placed on top of the closed case, which he used as if it were a makeshift desk. Opening one of the folders he ran his eye over James’ questionnaire before putting it back down.

“So James, it’s a pleasure to meet you, and I must say judging by your answers to the questionnaire you seem like just the kind of man, we’re looking for, I’d just like to ask a few questions of my own, so I can gauge how best we can help you”.

“Sure fire away”.

Said James, eager to get the process moving.

“OK, so how long, roughly, have you been single?”

Was Ernest’s first question.

“Oh, now you’re asking, fuck, how long has it been?”

Said James, and after only a little thought, he came up with.

“Let me see, it must be four, or maybe, five years, I guess?”

Ernest made a note of James answer in his note book, before asking.

“And roughly how many relationships have you had to date?”

James thought for a moment more.

“Not many, two or three, what I would consider to be, significant relationships, including a brief marriage and a few very short-lived flings”.

He answered a few more questions in a similar vein, before Ernest put down his note book and picked up the other folder.

“Now, in here I’ve got files on some of the women we represent, including the ones you added to your favourites on the web site, as well as some that have already shown an interest in you”.

“Oh, really?”

Said James, obviously quite pleased by the idea that interest had been taken in him, and why shouldn’t there have been, after all, I’m a bit of a catch, he thought to himself. Ernest laid the files out on the coffee table as though he was croupier spreading a deck of cards atop a blackjack table. Each file had a photo of a very beautiful Thai woman paper clipped to it’s top right corner, and although they were all striking girls, there was one, that particularly caught James’ eye. She had long dark hair, that seemed to shine out of the photo and bright blue piercing eyes that appeared to cut right down to his soul. James didn’t know about love at first sight but lust? That was clearly in evidence. Crossing his legs he pointed to her file.

“Who’s she?”

He asked looking up to see Ernest smiling broadly.

“Ah Kanya”.

Replied Ernest, as he leant across to pick up her file.

“Yes, she is lovely, and she was one of the first to favourite your profile”.

He went on.

“Would you like to meet her?”

Enquired Ernest.

“Yes, yes, I would love to meet her”.

Was James’ eager reply.

Ernest opened his brief case again and took out a diary, and after a brief flick through it’s pages said.

“OK then, well? How about a week today, that would fit in very nicely with my schedule and give me time to make all the arrangements for your introduction?”

Not wanting to be outdone James collected his appointment book, from his computer desk and checked his own schedule.

“Yes, that should be fine”.

“Good, I’ll sort it all out, then I’ll e-mail you to confirm the time and date when I get back to the office”.

This said he got some papers out of James’ case folder and offered him a pen.

“This is our standard contract it basically explains the payment structure and covers liability, standard stuff”.

James hesitated for a moment, then thinking what the hell signed on the line.

This done Ernest put his things back in his case, minus Kanya’s file, and James’ copy of the contract, and stood up extending his hand once more, this time, though, it wasn’t empty but contained a small plastic jar with a screw lid and a medical sticker. James took the jar from Ernest’s hand curiously and, fearing he knew the answer, asked.

“What’s this for?”

“Ah, yes”.

said Ernest.

“Our company has a strict no drugs policy so I’m obliged to ask you for a urine sample before I leave”.

James looked at Ernest incredulously. for a moment before asking.

“Are you serious?”

Ernest nodded his head in confirmation, saying.

“You can of course refuse, in which case our business will end here and you will incur no cost whatsoever”.

Ernest offered his hand for James to return the specimen jar. James looked at the little jar, for a moment thinking, what did it matter to him, a little splash of piss?

“OK, Give me a minute”.

He said, he went upstairs to the bathroom, returning a few minutes later with a, just under, half full jar of his own urine. Ernest took the jar and popped it first into a sealable plastic bag before placing it in his case. Then, offering James his hand one last time he said.

“Thank you for your time James it’s been a pleasure and I look forward to seeing you in London next weekend”.

after shaking hands for a last time, James saw his guest to the door and watched as he drove away. closing the door he returned to the lounge sat down and picked up his potential new brides file. He could hardly believe how beautiful she was, a man could so easily loose himself in those eyes, he couldn’t wait to meet her.

A week of work and trips to the pub passed as it usually does and before he knew it, he was on the train to London, dressed in his best suit and full of tense excitement.

It was  raining when he got off the train, so he hurried to the tube station where he bought a cheap umbrella from a news Kiosk and made his way to the underground. The offices of Thai brides over here, were situated in a building, smaller than he’d expected, in Islington, not far from the tube station. He pushed the button on the intercom and waited. After a few seconds the door was buzzed open and, after briefly shaking the rain from his brolly, he entered a small but plush reception area. A, not surprisingly, beautiful Thai girl sat behind a desk looked up at him expectantly with her best receptionist’s smile.

“Hello sir my name is Chiang, how can I help you today?”

She said in perfect English.

“I’m James Derwent, I’ve got an appointment to see Ernest Matchman for an introduction”.

Chiang ran her finger down a list of appointments before she found his name.

“Ah, yes Mr Derwent, if you’d like to take a seat I’ll let Mr Matchman know you’re here”.

She gestured towards a small area set aside for clients to sit and wait. He sat down in one of the chairs in front of a small table scattered with a few magazines. It wasn’t long before Chiang answered the phone, she spoke briefly, in what, James assumed was Thai and told him he could go right up pointing towards a small lift door in the far wall.

“You need floor six”.

She said as he entered the lift. He smiled a thank you and hit the button, the doors closed and James waited for the feeling of upward motion you normally get in lifts that, strangely, didn’t happen, and few moments later the lift opened onto a room with some plush looking sofas a cabinet, and a large window that looked out over the city. Not knowing quite what to do with himself, James made his way over to the window. to take in the view. It wasn’t raining any more and in the short time he’d been in the building the sun had come out and was shining over London. Must of just been a bit of a  shower He thought before making himself comfortable on the largest of the sofas, when a door he hadn’t noticed, next to the lift opened. Out walked Ernest with, what James hoped was, Kanya walking head bowed behind him. James stood up to greet the new arrivals offering his hand to the approaching duo. Ernest took his hand with his usual broad smile and said.

“James, good to see you welcome, to our offices”.

Before he stepped to one side to introduce the lovely young, clearly subservient, girl behind him.

“This is Kanya, Kanya this is James”.

She raised her head to reveal those piercing blue eyes and her shining smile.

“Please to meet to Mr Derwent”.

For more than a moment James was dumbstruck, overcome by her beauty. For she was very beautiful indeed, her skin looked soft and smooth, and James imagined what it must be like to touch her. It was Ernest who broke the silence.

“Shall we sit down?”

He said gesturing for Kanya to take a place next to James and they all took a seat. Ernest sitting on the smallest of the sofas. It was Kanya who spoke first.

“Would you care for a drink Mr Derwent?”

“Oh, erm? please call me James”.

He said a little taken aback by her formality.

“And yes I’d love one, I’ve not had anything to drink since a horrible coffee on the train”.

“OK, James, well we’ve got tea or coffee if you like, or I can get you something stronger, if you’d prefer?”

“I’d murder for a beer?”

He said hopefully, his gaze followed her, barely able to take his eyes way, captured as they were by her radiating beauty, out of her seat to get his beer from the cabinet, which revealed itself to be a small fridge full of bottles. Taking one out she poured it into a glass, she took from the top of the cabinet, handing it to him, she did the same for Ernest. before resuming her place on the sofa.

“Well, what do you think James, would you like to see more of Kanya?”

Asked Ernest. James looked over at him, his eyes and mouth wide open, as if coming out of a trance, before he spoke.

“Oh yes, definitely”.

He replied eager to get intimate with this woman.

“OK, then”.

Replied Ernest.

“First things first, Did you bring the check?”

James reached into his inside pocket taking out a check for the sum that had been agreed in their e-mail exchange, five hundred and fifty pounds, which, apparently, was to cover admin fees as well as being the first part of his payment for the introduction itself, a further two thousand pounds would be required before the process was over, and passed it to Ernest, who placed it in his pocket.

“Right well I’ll let you two get know each other, I’ve got a couple of other appointments to see to this afternoon, just buzz the intercom when you’re ready to leave”.

He stood up leaving his unfinished beer and once more offered his hand, which James took and shook gratefully before Ernest left them alone.

That first afternoon in each others company flew by, as they chatted about everything and nothing, James gaining more and more confidence as it became increasing apparent  just how deferential Kanya was, which, he had to be honest, was turning him on enormously. Twice more that afternoon she poured him a fresh beer on top of offering him delicious Thai food, she had prepared, as well as other refreshments, all of which he’d accepted happily.

He smiled languorously to himself all the way home on the train, and that night his dreams were full of her and her beautiful eyes.

The next day James received two more e-mails one from Kanya saying how much she’d enjoyed meeting him and how she very much looked forward to seeing him again and another from Ernest with a proposed courting plan, which, he was at pains to point out, wasn’t a strict agenda to be followed but more about working out what was convenient and best, for both him and Kanya.

James made  more visits to London, in the ensuing weeks, all of which, it seemed, turned into dates. They’d spent a day site seeing in the city as well as going out for dinner a few times. culminating in a night of intimacy, their first, in a hotel one night after James missed his last train home, and what a night it had been, James had never known a woman to be so focused on his pleasure, he had left to go back to Reading the next morning in a haze of satisfaction he’d not thought previously possible.

They always seemed to meet at that Islington office, and it never even occurred to James to wonder why this would be so, or where she might live herself, wrapped up in the excitement of it all as he was.

Eventually she started to visit him in Reading and he pretty much stopped going down to London.

It was after her fifth visit to Reading and after they had been seeing each other for several weeks, that James, while they were out having dinner at a local Italian restaurant,  suggested she move in. She’d been a little shocked by the idea, and said that she couldn’t, which kind of surprised James, as he’d been fairly she sure she’d say yes. Of course he asked her why not?

“I want a husband James, I can’t just move in with you without at least the commitment of an engagement”.

Upon hearing this James got straight down on one knee and proposed there and then in the restaurant.

“Kanya, I love you and I want you to be my wife”.

Overjoyed she’d accepted immediately. She stayed that night, and, as far as James was concerned they had the best sex he’d ever had. Kanya moved in a few days later and James immediately changed his Facebook relationship status to engaged.

A few days after she moved in James got a phone call from Ernest, ostensibly to offer his congratulations but also to offer the companies help in organising the wedding.

“It’s all part of the package James”.

He said.

“We give a compressive service you see, following our clients progress until we’re sure everybody is happy”.

Ernest continued.

“And, how much more is this going to cost me Ernest? Bearing in mind, I’ve already paid you somewhere in the region of a two and a half grand, all of which I’d like to add I was glad to pay, as, after all, I am very happy with Kanya.”

Said James with slight suspicion in his voice.

“Oh don’t worry James, when I say it’s all part of the package, that’s what I mean, it’s all already paid for. We have our own facilities as well as an in house registrar who performs all of our weddings, you leave it all to me, have the two of you decided on a date yet?”

Hearing  that he wouldn’t have to fork out on wedding expenses, certainly appealed to James’ sense of the frugal.

“All included you say?”

“That’s right James, of course the reason we can supply this as part of the service, is because we do, like I said, do it all, in house, of course that does mean you will have to seriously limit the number of guests to just a few friends and family.”

Replied Ernest.

“Well that’s OK, I don’t really have any family to speak of, both my parents are dead, and I’m an only child, it was going to be pretty much just my mate Derek as the best man”.

“That’s fine, all I need now is a date, and I can start sorting everything out. Did you have one in mind?”

We haven’t decided yet, I was thinking maybe early in the summer?”

suggested James.

“The summer you say, Mmmmm?”

Ruminated Ernest.

“That’s quite a few months away, any reason, you’d want to leave it so long?”

He went on.

“Well no, not really, I just thought it might be nice to have, you know, a bit of an engagement. What do you think then?”.

Replied James.

“Well now, let me see”.

Ernest said, prior to going quiet for a moment while, James assumed, he checked a diary, before saying.

“It’s February now, early summer is going to mean a wait of four or five months before the ceremony, is there really any reason to leave it that long?”

James thought for a moment before saying.

“I suppose not, when would you suggest?”

Ernest ummed and ahhed for a little while and then said.

“Lets, see, we have got a free Saturday coming up in a couple of months, April the seventh, how does that sound?”

There was silence at the other end of the line while James considered Ernest’s proposal. He had a point, why delay the wedding, he wasn’t getting any younger, and Kanya was everything he could of hoped for. she cooked she cleaned, and every morning he had an ironed shirt, and the sex, oh the sex.

“Sure why not”.

Said James.

“Marvellous, I’ll go ahead and make all the arrangements”.

Said Ernest. It was all happening so fast, it had been only, what, six or seven weeks since they’d met. if you’d of asked James, all those weeks ago, if he thought he’d be married to his dream girl before the current year was even half way through, he would of just laughed at you but here he was only couple of months from what he believed would be the happiest day of his life.

It wasn’t at all like the his previous wedding to Julie. there had been months of planning and stuff to do for that, admittedly, he hadn’t really contributed to the preparations at all, he’d just paid for everything. Julie and her family, which was huge, had organised all the details, but still, it seemed to drag on and on. and when the day finally came round it was all a little odd. An entire half of the church had been taken up by her massively extended family. It made James’s side seem pitiful by comparison, he’d managed to scrape together a handful of mates, who took up just two tables at the reception, which he’d hated. He felt like the price for marrying their daughter had been to basically pay for all of her family to get pissed. ten and a half thousand pounds that wedding had cost him. and for what? She’d left after a few months as it was anyway.

This time it would be different, they’d been living together for a couple of weeks now and he felt like a king in his own home. he didn’t have to lift a finger, his dinner was always ready, and always delicious. His clothes were always clean and put away. The cleaner hadn’t been very happy when he’d given her a weeks notice, he was, though, very happy not to have to spend the three hundred odd pounds a month he paid her.

Every evening when he got home, either from work, or the pub, she was ready with his slippers and a drink, a beer or a whisky, if it was straight from work, a cup of tea if it was from the pub. And the sex! Oh god it just got better and better, she just seemed to know how he liked to be touched, he’d never known such ecstasy, he’d no idea how she did it, and frankly he didn’t care, so long as she didn’t stop.

It was raining again when the faithful day came, and they decided to take the train. He wore his best suit and Kanya wore a beautiful oriental style dress called, she’d told him, a Cheongsam, it was sliver with lotus flower embroidery. James decided that, as he was going to be his best man, anyway, Derek might as well travel down with them on the train and so the three of them set off  for London.

By the time they arrived in the City the rain was coming down hard, so they got a taxi from the station to the Islington offices where the wedding was to be held. Ernest was in the lobby to meet them when they got there and the four of them only just fitted in the lift up to the sixth floor. The lift opened onto the room where James had first met Kanya, and Ernest asked them to wait here while he disappeared through another door, this time in the far wall that James also hadn’t noticed the other times he visited, to see if everything was ready.

Kanya dutifully poured them both a beer. She and James sat down while Derek had a little wander about taking in his surroundings. He made his way over to the large window, which gave an almost panoramic view of London, noting only briefly that, in the short time it taken them to enter the building and come up in the lift, the rain had stopped.

It was then that Ernest reappeared and bid them follow him through the door, they followed him into another longer room, this room too had a large window, also with a sunny view out over London. There where a dozen or so chairs, set out like you’d expect, in rows with a space down the middle, like an isle leading to a tastefully dressed desk, at which sat a plump friendly looking woman in an Armani suit. Opposite her were four chairs the outer two already occupied by two people who would be introduced to James and his little entourage as Mary Beestock, and Harry Jones, they were to be the witnesses, really only there to sign the marriage certificate, and they were both very pleasant wishing the happy couple well et cetera. They really had thought of everything mused James. as he walked with his, very soon to be, bride to take their places for the ceremony ahead.

It didn’t take very long, The plump registrar, who’s name was Bridget, introduced herself and the witnesses before she handed James and Kanya both a laminated A4 sheet each, on which where some prewritten vows, she briefly explained what would happen and started. The official text was as you’d expect, lots of.

“In the sight of those here present”

And the appropriate amount of.

“in the eyes of  the law”.

As well as some.

“To love and to cherish”

It all sounded like fairly standard stuff, James and Kanya dutifully read their parts, his were highlighted in blue, and hers in red, until the registrar said.

“I now pronounce you husband and wife, you may kiss the bride”.

Which he did, feeling like he must be the happiest man in the world.

His happiness continued over the coming months and Kanya persisted with her attentive behaviour. Encouraging James to become more and more dependant on her causing him to start doing less and less for himself.

“have you put on weight?”

Asked Derek one night down the pub.

“A little”.

Replied James.

“It’s good living you see Derek, and contentment”.

He went on.

“Good living and contentment”.

James repeated wistfully, he continued.

“It’s wonderful, I tell you Derek, I’ve never been so happy, she really looks after me. and her cooking, my good she can cook anything. every evening, it’s like I’ve got a top restaurant in my house. and she never complains, if I come in late and a little tipsy, for example and the sex, god, she fucks like a crazy woman and it’s all about me, my pleasure always comes first”.

Derek just smiled and tapped the top of his glass, slightly drunkenly, glad for his friend’s new found happiness, and hoping that this would spur his generosity. James dutifully and happily ordered another round.

The next morning was Monday and he was looking at himself in the mirror thinking about his size. He was getting quite big, with a not insubstantial spare tyre around his middle and his face had become a lot rounder, it wouldn’t be long before he’d have to buy some new trousers, he’d only just managed to button his jeans. He went to the bathroom and before he brushed his teeth, he noticed his bathroom scales. It had been months since he weighed himself, so on a whim he stood on the scales to see just how much weight he’d actually put on. He had one of those slight shock moments that make you feel a little dizzy when he saw just how much bigger he’d become. He had put on, almost a stone and a half in weight, fuck me! he thought.

He went down stairs to find Kanya in the kitchen, preparing his breakfast, his usual fry up. He sat down at the table and she placed a plate of food in front of him, piled high with bacon, eggs, sausages, beans, fried potatoes, black pudding, fried mushrooms and fried bread. which was becoming a bit of a ritual and then went to the sink to do the washing up.

“Kanya”.

Said James.

“Yes darling?”

She asked.

“Do you think I’m getting fat?”

Kanya paused her washing up briefly, prior to turning to say.

“I think you are handsome, it is good for a man to carry some weight, it is very masculine”.

She sat down beside him and removed her rubber gloves before she continued.

“It makes me happy to see that you enjoy your food, you do enjoy the meals I cook for you?”

She tilted her head, slightly, with a certain coquettish concern that made his heart melt.

“Of course I do darling, your cooking is wonderful, I’m just wondering if I’m having to much of it, I don’t want you to think I’m fat and ugly, just because I’m a man it does mean I don’t like to be thought of as attractive”.

She leant over to him, taking his face in her hands, she brought her face to his until their lips touched in a passionate kiss. after a lingering moment she pulled away and said.

“I think you are a very handsome man and that it suits you, to be big, it shows that you are a strong man, who can take care of his wife”.

This said she went back to her washing up, leaving him to finish his breakfast, worrying about his weight had spoilt his appetite a little as he didn’t eat it all, and kissing her goodbye he  left for work.

Even though he believed what Kanya had told him regarding how she felt about the way he looked, his weight still preyed on his mind a little, so he decided to start going to the gym again, he used to go rather a lot, but hadn’t for quite sometime, it must of been four or five years, it had been so long that his membership had lapsed and he’d needed to rejoin. A few months passed and although he hadn’t really lost much weight, neither had he put any on, and any way now that he was working out at least a couple of times a week, he was bound to be putting on some muscle bulk, which would balance out all the hard work and the apparent lack of corresponding weight loss.

It was a few more weeks before James noticed he was in actual fact still putting on weight so he decided to go and see the doctor. The net result of which was a two hour session with a nutritionalist and a diet plan. which he dutifully took home for Kanya to implement, which she did mostly, aside from the odd treat, stick to.

Funny things people, they like to think they’re clever and they sometimes are, often people prove themselves to be great manipulators able to inspire others to move mountains, but as it’s only ever other people they can manipulate, that in turn means they can be manipulated, and easily. Take James, here we have a prime example of how a man’s idea of love can be shaped by his up bringing, his father was brought up with what’s known as a traditional morality which now a days would be seen as misogynist bullying clap trap. There was  a male head of the family and everyone, including Mrs Derwent, abided by his rules, if you didn’t you were beaten, that was how you learnt. but if these now bizarre seeming rules where adhered to, then everyone was happy, and James’ dad had no need to discipline anyone. There’s no excuse for James’ behaviour towards the women in his life, but there is a reason, he believed things should be a certain way, and now that they were, he was happy, he hadn’t hit Kanya once, in all the time he’d known her, He was content, at ease with life and he continued to put on weight.

They’d been married for about eighteen months, when one Sunday afternoon, whilst watching the match with his feet up and a beer, James started to feel a dull pain in his side. He was considerably larger now weighing in at an impressive nineteen and a half stone and as a larger man he was inclined to get the odd achy pain, from time to time so he ignored it and carried on watching the match. The pain persisted over the course of the match, gradually getting worse, until the game finished, by which time it was getting quite bad. He thought it might be indigestion and he knew there was some indigestion tablets in the bathroom cabinet, Kanya was out shopping so he’d have to go and get them himself. He made his way heavily up the stairs pausing occasionally to double up with cramp, eventually he made it to the bathroom, now in some considerable agony, he opened the bathroom cabinet and fumbled about with it’s contents until he located the indigestion tablets, crunching a handful up in his mouth and swallowing them down with a gulp of tap water straight from the tap.

He went into the bedroom and laid down on the bed, with his arms tight into his body, he curled up in a foetal position on the bed and started moaning in agony, hoping that Kanya would return soon to help him. He stayed there unable to do anything in the face of the extraordinary pain that seemed to wrack his body now, for half an hour, before she eventually came back. Hearing his agonised cries from downstairs, she ran straight up to the bedroom and was right by his side. Taking his head in her hands, she said.

“James, can you hear me”.

He just about managed a strained nod through the pain.

“What’s the matter darling?”

She asked with concern in her voice.

“I’m in so much pain, everywhere hurts”.

He replied through clenched teeth.

She stroked his head and thought for a moment or two, she nodded to herself and coming to a decision said.

“It’s started, honey. Don’t worry, wait here, it’ll all be over soon, I’ll go and speak to Ernest”.

After kissing his, now very hot and sweaty, forehead she left the room.

What had she meant, it’s started what had started, and why was she going to call Ernest and not a doctor? Why was he in so much pain, he felt as though his skin was going burst, the pressure on his chest was making it hard to breath. and he was almost paralysed curled up in a sweaty ball in the middle of the bed. When he noticed the door, a door had appeared out of nowhere in the wall and what was more, it was the out side wall, there was nothing on the other side of that wall but empty air and through the pain James found himself thinking. What the fuck is that? Then he looked at it a little closer and now he came to think about it, he realised there was something familiar about the door. Then it hit him, it was just like the door to the lift at the thaibridesoverhere.com’s offices in Islington. It was all bizarre enough to distract James from his pain, slightly and he stared at it with a surprised and somewhat confused expression on his face. after only a few seconds the door slid open to reveal Ernest wearing his broadest friendliest smile. He stepped out of the lift into the room the lift closing and then just disappearing, as if it had never been there at all, behind him. He walked over to the bed and sitting on the edge. He patted James on the shoulder and said.

“How are you feeling old chap?”

To which, still wracked with pain, James said.

“What the fuck is going on?”

Through his clenched teeth, grinding against the enormous agony, he repeated.

“What the fuck is going on?”

At that point Kanya returned to the room and took up a place on the other side of the bed from Ernest.

“How is he doing?”

She asked Ernest.

“He’s fine, it’ll all be over soon”.

He replied.

Hearing this last from Mr Matchman, James managed to spit out.

“What will be over?”

Ernest looked over to Kanya questioningly, which prompted her to say.

“He may as well know the truth now, after all it’s so close to the end”.

Kanya cradled James’ head in her arm and using a tissue from the box beside the bed, mopped his, very wet, brow with her free hand. Ernest stood and had a pace about to collect his thoughts, before he started to speak.

“I’m not really called Ernest Matchman, James”.

He paused to allow James to take this in, before going on.

“I’m not even human”.

He said.

James managed to, very weakly, say.

“You’re fucking crazy”.

Ernest laughed a little and smilingly said.

“No, James, I’m not crazy, I am from a far distant part of the galaxy, my people have long been able to travel to distant stars and have technology far in advance of this world”.

James just stared at Ernest, shock acted as an anaesthetic and he momentarily forgot his agonies. Ernest was talking like a crazy man! From a distant part of the galaxy? From the funny farm more like! Ernest continued.

“My race are a nomadic people, we travel the stars going from planet to planet as part of our breeding cycle. You see the gestation of our young requires a certain hormone, to allow our progeny to come to term. Right here on this planet, that hormone is available in abundance”.

Ernest paused once more to marshal his thoughts, before asking James.

“Do you remember when we first met, James and you gave me a urine sample?”

James nodded remembering how he’d thought it was a bit odd at the time. Ernest continued.

“It wasn’t to test for drugs, it was to test your testosterone levels, and I know how highly the male of your species prize these things so you’ll be pleased to know yours was particularly high, very manly indeed, I’m sure”.

James started to obtain a certain tolerance to the pain, helping him to gather his thoughts enough for him to say.

“What’s happening to me?”

Ernest looked over to Kanya.

“Would you like to tell him my dear?”

Kanya looked down at James’ face, sighed and began.

“Every time we’ve had sex, over the months we’ve been living together, I’ve impregnated you with one of my eggs, they’ve been using you as a host taking your testosterone to fuel their gestation”.

She paused for a moment, to allow him to fully grasp what that actually meant. He tried to work it out in his head, and failed. They’d had sex hundreds, maybe thousands of times. That did, though, account for his massive weight gain, and would mean he had god knows how many alien eggs inside him. He was struck by an overwhelming sense of panic, his heart started to race, what could he do?! This was crazy, was the earth being invaded by aliens? Surely not, he must’ve become involved in some kind of crazy space cult, or something? Not to mention that his whole body was now an explosion of pain, as if every nerve was being tortured individually.

“But you look human?”

Said James, every word a new triumph over the pain.

“We are what you might call shape shifters. We have the ability to physically alter our appearance to resemble other species. This is how we have so easily infiltrated so many other worlds”.

Said Kanya, who was still gently stroking his head but the pain became overwhelming once more.

“Oh god! Why am I in so much pain?”

Screamed James.

This time Ernest addressed his enquiry.

“They’ve hatching, inside you now, and as each one hatches it starts a period of rapid grown. Quadrupling in size in a matter of minutes. until, soon after, they leave your body to take up places in the incubation chambers on our ship, orbiting above”.

“So I’m going to give birth?”

Asked James, still not believing all of this, he imagined they’d poisoned, or drugged him somehow, maybe in his beer?

“Well, if by give birth you mean, burst open as our rapidly growing young, eat their way out of your body? Then yes, I suppose you are.”

James screamed as the pain mounted anew, he felt his every fibre aching with an intensity he’d never previously experienced, His torso started to expand as the tiny creatures inside him grew and grew. the skin of his ballooning belly became so taught that the hundreds of tiny forms could just be made out subdermally. Sweat was now streaming from his body, the bed and bed-clothes where drenched, James started to twitch and jerk, unable to speak, he screamed, his mind raced. Could all this be true? It was all so crazy, but the pain, oh god the pain. At first the split in his belly was small, then it ruptured with a loud ripping, tearing noise and hundreds of tiny creatures swarmed out of his body this was the last thing he saw, and just before the swarm reach his mouth, he managed a final scream of.

“Fuck me!”

The alien young had the look of bipedal insects with a large abdomen and a substantial set of teeth and sharp claws allowing them to make short shrift of James’ body leaving no more than a few blood stains and a wet bed. Suddenly Kanya and Ernest began to stretch and jerk, their bodies twisting and deforming until they resembled larger human sized versions of the tiny aliens who, now they has finished their first meal, started to cling to the two adults, and each other, allowing them to be carried through the newly appeared lift door in James’ bedroom wall and away.

It was four days before anyone even knew James was missing.  Derek had found the house empty. He’d been curious as to why James hadn’t been to the pub lately, so he’d popped over to James’, maybe he was ill or something and Derek might be able to help. When he’d got there, the backdoor was open so he’d gone in calling out James’ name but, for obvious reasons, unknown to Derek, no one had answered, and of course neither James’ nor Kanya’s body was ever found.

Epilogue;

“You can go up now Mr Miller”.

Said Chiang, from her desk, as she gestured towards the small lift doors. in the far wall of the small reception area of the offices of thaibridesoverhere.com.

“Thank you”.

Said the man  seated a little nervously, in the reception area, across from Chiang. Simon Miller, an insurance salesman from Bromley, loved East Asian girls, and he smiled admiringly at the beautiful Asian receptionist. He was a regular kind of guy, in most respects, not bad looking, admittedly his hair was receding a little now he was getting into his thirties, but he was fit, healthy and he exercised regularly. His problem wasn’t his looks, no. His actual problems were twofold one; He was chronically shy. He could not for the life of him talk to a woman without stuttering and mixing up his words, and two; He was scared of flying, he’d tried god knows he’d tried, one time, they’d had to abort a take off to allow him to get off the plane, before it flew, after a particularly physical panic attack. He entered the lift and as instructed by Chiang, he hit button six, the doors closed and a few moments later slid open, to reveal a room with some plush looking sofas a cabinet, and a large window that looked out over the city. He looked about a bit, finally making his way over to the window, which showed a clear sunny bright day in the city below. It’s cleared up a little since I got here,  he thought remembering the grey clouds that had been hanging in the sky when he arrived.

Imagine, for a moment, that you could fly through the window, like a virtual camera, and you fly right through it, finding yourself on the other side but once through, the city you saw before is gone, and instead you find yourself surrounded by a holographic field projection, projecting a steady repeating image of London to the eyes of anyone stood in front of the window in that room. You in turn, fly through this technical mirage, finding yourself, all of a sudden, hanging high above the Earth, floating in space, you turn around and look back at where you think the building Mr Miller and before him James, had believed they were in, should of been, to find it has gone, along with the illusion of London, replaced by a giant spaceship orbiting high about the Earth. The Earth that Simon Miller, had just been matter transported up from, making his first steps towards wedded bliss.

The end.

Psychic Reading.

Don’t you hate it when someone reads over your shoulder?

Single

I am a bachelor,  a single man;

But it’s fair to say this was never my plan,

I used to think I’d meet someone,

With whom, life’s road, I could travel along.

There have been women, I’ve been with some;

Though it always seemed to stop being fun,

Neither I, nor they have stayed the course,

I guess these things just can’t be forced?

Older now, am I, future is now past;

years go by, it seems, increasingly fast,

And now I feel like I’m alone,

But these are just the seeds I’ve sown.

My life, have I developed so selfishly?

Is experience enough, oh so lonesomely?

Time and creation my only wealth,

I am, I’m sure, as do all, to die by myself.